


True Love's Kiss

by oxnate



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Curse Breaking, Curses, Dark Comedy, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 02:35:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8872405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxnate/pseuds/oxnate
Summary: Curses really are a bitch!





	

**Author's Note:**

> True Love’s Kiss
> 
> by Oxnate
> 
> Disclaimer: Do not own BtVS or Shrek.
> 
> Summary: Curses really are a bitch!
> 
> A/N: Special thanks to deiticlast for Betaing and coming up with a better title and description than I could.

Chapter 1.

“Hey, Buff. Welcome back,” Xander said.

Buffy smiled in return. “Yeah! You, too.”

Xander turned around to see that all the children had also changed back from the monsters they were. “Hey, I could use some hel...p-” he trailed off as he turned back to see that Buffy and Angel were lost in each other’s eyes and weren’t going to be any help in getting the kids back to their parents. “Well, I guess it’s just you and me. Willow? Willow?” Xander belatedly realized that Willow was no longer in the room despite having been standing right next to him when the spell ended.

_Great. Just Great._

And if, across town, a blood-curdling roar was issued, the residents of Sunnydale were well practiced at ignoring such things.

* * *

“You’re late, Miss Chase.” Principal Snyder sneered as he caught her coming in as second period was about to end. “Cheerleaders are not exempt from the rules regarding tardiness.”

“I have a note.” She handed it over. “I wasn’t feeling well this morning. But I got better.”

“So I see.” Snyder didn’t even glance at the note. “I suggest you go to your third class now and pick up what you missed after school. The bell is ab-”

_Ring!_ The hallways almost instantly filled with hundreds of loud children. Cordelia let herself get swept along in the tide since that meant leaving their horrid Principal behind.

“Cordy! Wait up!” Harmony called.

Cordelia looked back to see her clique and pulled out of traffic to wait for them to catch up. Just like driving on the highway, there was a shoulder on either side of the hallway for stopped pedestrians or for those who needed to get to their locker.

“What happened to you last night?” Harmony asked as Cordelia merged back into the general flow.

“What do you mean?” Cordelia asked cautiously. _Do they know what happened to me? The hideous monster I changed into? Didn’t the librarian say that most people repressed the freakishness around here?_

“Well duh, when the drugs kicked in? We were tripping balls all night. It was pretty funny thinking back on it today, but we spent half the night being chased around by kids in costumes. But what happened to you? We didn’t see you all night,” Harmony said.

_Oh yes you did. I was the first monster you met,_ Cordelia thought, but didn’t say out loud. “Well, you guys ran off, screaming, so I went home.” _And got attacked by my own mother, she also didn’t add._ The thought of her mother pummeling her with $1,000 Gucci shoes made her shudder. It was a senseless tragedy to lose shoes that way and her mother had ruined three pairs Guccis alone that night.

“We called your house after the drugs wore off. You weren’t there.” Harmony poked a hole in Cordelia’s story.

Well, no. Cordelia wasn’t going to sit around and wait for her mother to ruin every pair of shoes she had, or worse, go to Cordelia’s closet and start throwing Cordy’s Jimmy Choos. Mother Chase didn’t realize that throwing shoes at the monster/daughter only hurt her emotionally – and only because shoes were being ruined that didn’t have to be. So she left. The only good thing about being turned into a monster was that nobody messed with her. Some giant dog-creature roared at her as she walked through a park and she just roared right back. It was quite satisfying when it ran away with it’s tail between its legs.

“I got bored pretty fast sitting at home. So I went to the mall,” she said. She knew the mall closed an hour early that night, but it should be a good enough alibi.

“By yourself?” one of the other girls asked.

“I can go shopping alone if I feel like it. Besides, you guys were ‘tripping balls’. Where were _you_ guys?” Time to go on the offensive.

“Aura’s house was the closest,” Harmony said. “Her mom made us cookies.”

“They were good. I think I gained five pounds,” Gwen said.

“That’s because you’re a pig and you ate them all,” Harmony shot.

Cordelia didn’t need this escalating. Now that the focus was off where she was, it was time to take charge. “So, where we going tonight? Bronze?”

“It’s not like there’s anywhere else to go. Especially since you hit the mall yesterday without us,” one of the nameless sheep said.

“Great!” Settled. Just in time for their next class.

* * *

Unfortunately, Cordelia couldn’t make it to the Bronze that night. She had a very large, and very green problem. Herself. “Not again!” she wailed. Thankfully, her mother wasn’t home yet to pelt her with shoes this time. Her next thought was, “Buffy.” Freaky stuff always came back to her. If she didn’t cause it, at least she could fix it.

And this time Cordelia noticed the magic. The change in her body was drastic and not just the color of her skin. She was huge in comparison to her old, half starved body, and she could see that now that she had something to compare herself to. The clothes on her bed were tiny now. And yet the clothes she was wearing still fit her perfectly. She didn’t look great, she looked like one of those Macy’s Thanksgiving Day floats in her opinion, but her shoes still fit. She planted her foot next to a pair of her ‘normal’ shoes and the size difference was amazing. She really hoped this didn’t stretch the shoes out. She really liked these shoes.

She was too big to fit in her tiny sports car as well. Cordelia let herself cry for several minutes after she pulled herself out of her car. She slammed the door shut but it bounced back. She looked at the car to see why it wasn’t shutting. There were four small dents on the upper part of the door frame where she had pulled herself out of the too tight seat.

“Goddammit!” she yelled and kicked the front tire of her car. A loud _Pop!_ sounded and then a deep _Clang!_ as the metal rim fell several inches and met the concrete of the garage. Cordelia started crying again. She didn’t have long to cry though as she heard the front gate opening. Her parents were back.

She couldn’t let them see her like this. She ran back into the house and slammed the door. Behind her she could hear the garage door opening so she ran out the back door then turned right to go around behind the garage. She could hear her father slam his own door and complain about how irresponsible she was, leaving her car door open like that. Her mother’s voice started calming him then she heard her own door slam and bounce. Both voices stopped talking.

“Cordelia?”

“Cordy?”

She forced herself not to answer. In the back of her mind she wondered if she’d be listed as missing tomorrow. When she heard the interior garage door open, she took off for the property line.

As big and heavy as this body was, Cordelia had to admit that it was _strong._ She cleared the fence easily and had room to spare. She turned towards school and the library where she knew the freaks liked to hang out.

Cordelia had never before walked to school; she had always had a car or been driven and picked up by a chauffeur, or at least the maid. She soon found herself taking shortcuts. Anything to get her to school quicker. And who thought Cordelia Chase would ever be thinking something like that?

But one shortcut was one too many as evidenced by the vampire standing in front of her. Cordelia screamed and ran. The vampire also screamed and ran, but changed its mind after seeing her run away. Three blocks later, it finally caught up with her. Cordelia tried to scratch his face with her new, longer and tougher nails. But the vamp was faster than she thought and she ended up with his entire head in the palm of her hand.

She squeezed.

“Ew, gross,” she said as she brushed the ash from her hands and clothes. “And if these scuff marks don’t come out of my boots, someone is going to die.”

“Cordelia?” a voice nearby asked.

Cordelia spun around to see, “Buffy!” She had never been so glad to see the small girl, who was even smaller in comparison now. But when Cordy took a step forward, Buffy took a step back and raised her stake. Cordy got very serious and pointed her finger very sternly at the small Slayer. “Buffy, if you slay me, I’m going to tell everyone how you burned down the gym at your last school.”

Buffy got an annoyed look on her face. “Everyone already knows that I-. That I had _nothing_ to do with that,” she said, catching herself.

“Well, it’s good that I found you. I was just coming to see you anyway.”

“For makeup advice? Because I’ve got this awesome new concealer you should try. No one would ever notice that you’re six foot six and green.” Buffy diplomatically didn’t mention Cordy’s weight. That would just be kicking a girl when she was down.

“No, but the added snark is nice. Now take me to your leader. We’re going to need library-guy to fix this.”

Buffy grumbled about the ‘take me to your leader’ comment but did walk with her back to the high school.

* * *

“Harris, if you make one comment about my appearance, I will crush both your hands to dust so that you can never fondle yourself again,” Cordelia preemptively headed off all snark from Xander.

“Ahem. Judging by the voice and the creative threats, I gather that this is Cordelia?” Giles asked.

“I found her being chased by a vamp,” Buffy said.

“But you got the vampire?” Willow was torn between rooting for Buffy and wishing ill on Cordelia.

“Cordy crushed its head with her bare hand. One handed.” Buffy directed this comment at Xander, who had wisely decided to stay silent. In fact, his eyes went wide and his face went a little pale at that. Willow also went slightly paler, but it was hard to tell with her complexion.

“I’ll get my books,” Giles disappeared into his office.

* * *

They were going around in circles.

“I keep trying to tell you, the man you purchased the costume from cast a spell on all his costumes.”

“And I keep trying to tell you, I didn’t buy it from a man. I bought it from a lady.”

“It doesn’t matter who was running the bloody shop at the time. Everyone who bought a costume from Ethan’s Costume Shop was changed into their costumes for the night. But then they switched back.”

“And I did switch back, yesterday. But now I’m like this again. And I didn’t buy my costume from Ethan’s. I bought mine from Partytown.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You changed and changed back, and now you changed again?” Xander summarized, finally remembering that he _had_ seen Cordy yesterday.

“And you didn’t buy from Ethan.” Giles closed several of his books and packed them away. “That changes things entirely.”

* * *

It was nearly morning. Buffy and Giles had been up all night. Xander and Willow tuckered out and fell asleep somewhere after 2 AM. Even Cordelia was slightly touched at how hard they worked for her. She started as someone touched her shoulder.

“Sorry to startle you,” Giles said. “But it’s nearly morning. We should begin thinking about where you can hide for the day and start researching again tomorrow. Or tonight, rather.”

Cordy sighed and closed the book she had been reading. She had read more in one night than she had in her entire high school career combined. She stood up and stretched, just as the first rays of morning hit the school. She felt the magic hitting again. Bright light flashed and in a few seconds, she was human again.

“Is- is- is that how it is every time?” Giles asked as he stepped out from behind a bookcase.

Buffy leaped back over the checkout counter where she had hid from the magic. The transformation had been so quiet that Xander and Willow were still asleep.

“That’s how it was last time I changed into the monster,” Cordelia confirmed. “I wasn’t awake last time I changed back.”

“Well, if you’re up for it, I suggest you head to class. I will continue to research. I recall reading something about something like this fairly recently. If the library is slow today, I expect I may have an answer for you by the time school is over. Stop by when you’re done.”

“Ooh, my parents! If I really can change back, I should probably let them know that I didn’t get eaten or anything.” She looked at her now small and dainty hands. “I kinda left a dent in my car and flattened a tire.”

* * *

Getting shoved around in the hallways, Cordelia wondered if it wouldn’t be so bad to be... whatever the heck it was she turned into. As a human, she had whatever power others gave her. As a... whatever, she had real power. The power to bend steel. To leap small buildings in a single bound.

But first she had to find out if it was possible. Then she could make that decision.

* * *

“Well I still don’t know why you were cursed or why it activated at the same time as Ethan’s spell. It could be that the amount of magic flowing through the Hellmouth at the time activated a latent curse. I don’t suppose you know the name of the costume you dressed up as?” Giles asked after school was out.

“It was a princess costume. Princess... fee? Fee fi ho hum?” Cordy said.

Giles sighed. “Princess Fiona, perhaps?”

“Yeah, that might be it,” Cordelia nodded. “Is that good or bad?”

“Probably good. As curses go, Fiona’s curse is not the worst ever. ‘By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form’,” Giles recited.

“Ugh. How tacky. That barely even rhymed,” Cordelia complained. Then she turned to Xander, “Okay. Lay it on me.”

“Lay _what_ on you?” he asked, confused.

“A kiss, dumbass. Do it quick before sunset hits and I change again.”

“That is _not_ the way to break the curse,” Giles interjected before Xander could do anything but stare at her dumbly. “Only ‘true love’ can break the kiss. Do you love Xander?”

“No!” was the reply, almost a bit too fast and a bit too forcefully.

Giles mentally cataloged the girl’s reaction. Perhaps Xander _could_ be used to break the curse, but that would take weeks to get the two of them to admit their feelings for each other. He braced her for that reality. “Cordelia. I’m afraid you’re going to have to accept that this is how things are going to be for a bit. Perhaps only a few months. But you will have to find someone that you love and have them love you in return.” And that was a tall order for the girl who thought only of herself.

“Until then, you are welcome to stay with me,” Giles offered.

“Thanks, Giles.” A rare display of courtesy from the Chase girl.

“Come on, we’ll walk you home to get some clothes. You can show your parents you’re still alive and tell them about our long-term sleepover idea,” Buffy said.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The sensitive and those of you who like Cordelia, may want to stop reading now and treat this as The End. The curious, and everyone else, keep reading.
> 
> * * *
> 
> When they got to the Chase estate, Buffy had to say she was impressed. A wall and gates that would keep out any normal human. It was impressive. Not to mention the dogs. When Cordy entered the code to open the gate, two dobermans and an even bigger great dane came rushing out to meet them. Cordy snapped and the dobermans stopped. The bigger dog kept on coming, jumping up on her and giving her a big, sloppy kiss.
> 
> Cordelia started glowing and floating up into the air. “What’s happening to me?” she cried. “Oh! Oh, oh, ooh! Ooooh! Ooooooooh!” She floated slowly back down to earth. 
> 
> Her friends took their hands from their eyes as the light slowly faded away to find… a large, dark brown great dane wearing Cordelia’s clothes.
> 
> “What just happened?” Buffy asked anyone who could answer, hoping Cordelia herself would jump out from behind the wall and tell them ‘April (or November) Fools!’
> 
> “True love’s kiss,” Willow said. At a look from the others, she explained. “Everyone knew the only thing in the world that Cordy cared about was her dog. And he obviously loved her back.” She waved to where the original, yellowish dane was sniffing the butt of the new, brown one. 
> 
> The brown one looked from Buffy to Willow to Xander frantically and tried to talk, almost like Scooby Doo. Meanwhile, the original dane was sniffing Cordelia-dog’s butt. And then it climbed on her back. Cordelia yelped and spun out from under him, growling. He tried again. 
> 
> And then the dobermans joined in. It doesn’t matter how well trained your dogs are, sometimes you can’t beat nature. Cordelia-as-a-dog took off running with the other three dogs right on her tail.
> 
> “I always knew she was a bitch,” said Willow as Cordelia ran off, yelping the whole way.
> 
> * * *
> 
> And thus the Scooby Gang was born. Or rather, nine weeks later, it was born... on Buffy’s bed.


End file.
